Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ask not what my pen*s can do for you... but what you can do for my pen*s.

   Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.

   If you really believe racism isnt a massive problem, that the oppression of minorities is not a horrific and systemic issue. you R in denial.

   Every so often I'll bring my wife and kids out in public just so people understand why I drink.

   I wish my name was Grudge. This way women would hold on to me forever.

   If you don't want to be profiled as a thug, don't dress like one. No more hoodies and flat-brims. How about a nice Polo shirt and some Khakis. Docksider shoes instead of LeBron sneakers. And a NASCAR baseball cap would help too.

   Nothing like a woman with a brilliant mind and a filthy mouth.

   I thought Pacific Rim was when an asian guy licks your ass. And that's why I would like to get a refund for my movie ticket.

   If a woman ever asks you if you know what your problem is, don't answer. It'll only make it worse.

   America, you've got a little injustice on your chin. No, not there. A little to the right. There. Nope, you missed it again. Still there.

   I think homeless people would have more money for food if they didn't spend it all on black markers, cardboard signs and collection cups.....

   In 2 seconds you'll be singing "I'm a Barbie Girl" in your head.

   Does this mean Glee is one step closer to gettimg cancelled?

   Don't forget to set your clocks back 200 years before you go to bed tonight.

   USD ABOVE 60... CRUDE ABOVE 6000.... STILL NIFTY ABOVE 6000....

   drinking beer in shower

   All of a sudden everyone on Facebook seems to be a criminal law expert.

   and the preducers of Lifetime make more money

   i wish we could go back to 1978 when life was good

   Americans are fast-asleep right now. Let peace reign