Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God damn girl, you're a bag full of crazy, You seeing anybody?

   It's called mankind because womanmean just sounded too obvious.

   Sorry for being a human being. I wanted to be a panda but I wasn't given the option.

   When I say I'm going to "woo" you, it's a reference to my love for John Woo films, so I'll be punching you & throwing doves in your face.

   I always keep a cyanide capsule handy just in case my phone goes missing.

   I'm no longer looking for "Mr. Right." I'll settle for "Mr. He'll Do."

   Every man is entitled to his opinion but nobody is entitled to his own facts." - Daniel Patrick Moynihan

   If God gave you a good singing voice, sing loud in church to give thanks. If God gave you a bad singing voice, sing loud in church to get even.

   Breaking news: George Zimmerman to throw out first pitch at tonights All star game

   Why is it that so many people now want to kill a good guy to avenge the death of a bad guy?

   I still have every movie I've ever rented.

   If your girl has never hit you…you’re probably not that attractive.

   Still trying to find a balloon that says: Congrats on your 6th baby with different men" I wont stop till I find it cuz I'm a good friend.

   It must be nice for boring people, they can just think themselves to sleep.

   My kinda woman has more sex swings than mood swings.

   Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.

   I'm "used to get kicked off the internet when the house phone rang" years old.

   We let anxiety drive so we could use our energy to worry about crashing.

   It's pretty cool how vodka always has such 'great' ideas.

   Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.