Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I haven't lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.

   I didn't say you were stupid, I said that "i see a pole and body glitter in your future"

   It's Friday! That means just two more days until Monday.

   my ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!

   only two people with the combined IQ of a salad bar would name a kid NorthWest

   oh, your talking to me again? You must have just broken up with your boyfriend.

   The girls who say that what all guys want is sex are usually the ones who have only that to offer

   I know it's your Birthday and all but the Starbucks Gift Card thing ain't happening...

   I was looking out the window when my wife asked what I was staring at. I mumbled, "Must be about 32C out there..." is that the temperature? she asked "No! the neighbor lady is sunbathing topless" I replied

   Let's face it... Seeing a cameltoe in leapord print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on a safari...

   If Axel Rose don't say, "Down on your sha, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, knees." before getting a BJ... then he's not as cool as I thought he was.

   Whenever I feel hungry, I just log onto Facebook and like everyone's food pictures until I feel full.

   I always carry around a magnet in my pocket so I can find all the girls with clit rings easier.

   On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said "When are you due?" This is why we are here...

   True love is giving your significant other a sip from your beer glass... a real f*cking small sip though... !

   In love, you either win someone's heart or lose your liver... !

   Mary had a little lamb. Then Mary saw a lamb chop recipe on Pinterest. Now Mary has a full stomach.

   I'm not saying this insomnia is screwing me up, but I just waited 2 minutes for this stop sign to turn green.

   If I'm guilty of anything it's loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.

   I hate exercising. I've decided that if I were meant to bend and touch my toes, I would have been born with boobs on my feet.