Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey musicians; There is nothing wrong with doing dumb, desperate sh*t to promote your new album or stay relevant, but dropping good music is a better way to do it.

   Once a girl says your are like a brother to me, then you know you aint never hitting it.

   You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east

   I'm an experienced drunk texter/facebooker. I keep my mouth shut

   Eeyore and Tigger need to trade meds.

   it rude to ask someone to bleach their butthole before you toss their salad?

   The little dance your thumbs do when you aren't sure how to respond to a text.

   How can you NOT be a pervert with a name like Weiner?!?!

   "By leaving your bed, your chances of dying increases by 99%. It's science; " specially when you stalk people.

   I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn't like to be trapped by boobies????

   Some people should be very grateful I don't have mob connections.

   in China they are reporting that weiner has lost the erection...

   If Internet Explorer has the balls to ask you to set it as your default browser, don’t tell me that you don’t have the guts to ask her out.

   Maybe we should all get drunk and tell each other everything we’re too afraid to say sober.

   I really wish my eyes could take photos.

   I don't mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they'd use the part behind me.

   By leaving your bed, your chances of dying increases by 99%. It's science.

   Being too nice to people will make them take advantage of you. Being disrespectful will make them loath you. Not getting to know them in the first place will spare you both.

   Wow, I thought what we had was special, you met my family and made me dinner, now you say you’re a “waiter" and you’re just “doing your job"

   I could be nice... but I hear the operation is expensive.