Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Behind every woman there's a man trying to put it in her butt.

   I'm a firm believer in the separation of church and Earth.

   Nothing says "Let's work things out" quite like "I'm pregnant".

   Spiders - because women need to know they are not independent.

   Ladies, we don't really want a sandwich after sex, we just want you to get out of the bed so we can go to sleep

   The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5'4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.

   My wife finally got a "Brazilian". He seems nice.

   Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So...41 guys...that's the limit.

   It's a shame that we live in a society that praises the pretenders, rewards the liars and promotes the talentless.

   Me: Will you stay with me till I fall asleep? Him: Ma'am, please just take your pizza

   My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

   The curvy girl gets the worm.

   ...what do you mean I can't get change from the church collection plate? I only have $20s.

   I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...

   Sometimes I'm more confused than a baby in a topless bar...

   Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.

   Time heals all wounds. Because eventually you will be dead.

   A lot of guys get married just because they're hungry.

   This hot chick is totally hitting on me, women can have Adams apples right?

   They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but 2 minutes and 15 seconds once every 3 months ain't going to shift your beer belly is it.