Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   maybe the Giants should sign Charlie Sheen so he can teach him how to start "winning"

   Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn't come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn't a gift

   We're shutdown, but not 'stop collecting taxes' shutdown.........- the government

   What does a NY Giants fan do after his team wins? Turns off the xbox and goes to bed.

   You know you have been married too long when the only heavy breathing going on in the bedroom is when someone uses the exercise equipment.

   I'll watch Groundhog Day every time it comes on. Same goes for Groundhog Day. Also, whenever Groundhog Day comes on, I'll watch it.

   I was voted 'Most Paranoid' by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.

   I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..

   My girl is leaving me cos she thinks I'm too gullible... You should have seen her face wen I told her tht I've won the Nigerian lottery.

   Awwe, he's sleeping like a baby......... *People who've never had a baby*

   I'm "it's 8:30 and you wanna start a movie this late?" years old.

   Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions

   Can a woman make you a millionaire? Yes. But only if you are a billionaire.

   the only people who are against drugs are the ones who sucked at doing them!

   Every once in a while I'll part way too much to remind myself how much of an idiot I am.

   dude, where's my government

   You know that sinking feeling,,, when you realize that you should have taken those swimming lessons.

   FYI: It's illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane

   FYI,,, Society has put an excessive amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.

   I'm just going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.