Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a wise man knows the rules but a wiser man knows the exceptions.

   And on the sixth day satan created algebra.

   If John has 100 pieces of bacon, and he eats 20, what does John have? Happiness. John has happiness.

   If you won't wear a chef's hat while pleasuring me orally, I don't see this relationship going anywhere

   But your honor, she used mild cheddar cheese to make nachos

   The best part about Crocs is you can wear them in the bathtub while you write the note then drop in the toaster.

   Hey chubby shirtless guy with the pierced nipples at the kids' soccer game. Nope.

   Dudes with your Chihuahua on a leash HOW DO YOU KEEP THAT BEAST AT BAY???

   While installing a program, when it asks many time, "Are you sure?"Well now I'm not sure! :))

   G ay squirrels probably never know if their buddies are talking about sex or food.

   Home is where your neighbors see you walk around with no pants on.

   Turning on someone's seat warmer in the car without them knowing is a good way to have them think they're peeing their pants for a minute.

   Does a piece of sh*t know it's a piece of sh*t or does it think it's awesome?

   We cried of bad leaders. We had a chance to make the right decision. Now deal with the consequences.

   Sharks and children, both can sense fear and weakness.

   The hardest thing in the world to understand is NOT women, its income tax

   Just watched a guy in a shirt that read "Jedi I am" trip on a curb and fall. Jedi you are not sir

   Pro Tip: If your EBT Card is denied... just take out your ObamaPhone and call him.

   Maybe the EBT card shutdown is actually a new DIET plan created by Michelle Obama?

   The only member of my family with a personal trainer is the dog.