Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I swear girls these days. Some of them wake up with a higher sperm count than the men

   If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, stalk them.

   It's official. Yahoo Answers has surpassed the US Government as the all time record holder in not being able to accurately answer a simple question.

   Wife: What are you going to do today? Me: Nothing. Wife: But you did nothing all day yesterday. Me: Yes, but I'm not finished.

   PSA-When in a waiting room here are a couple of pointers: no one wants to hear you convo about getting the 'cream' for your itch and 2. turn your ringer DOWN, we don't want to hear 'your baby got back' ringtone.

   It's Sunday and that only means I want Chic Fil A

   dude-having 14 keys hanging from a belt ring is not a good look, When was the last time you heard, "God, Schneider is a fox" Never. You're welcom

   Interviewer: Why should you work here? Waiter: I believe I am capable of bringing a lot to the table. Interviewer: Can you start Monday?

   I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.

   The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.

   I followed my heart and it lead me to you.

   Just sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He’ll live, but he won’t get laid.

   Quitting Facebook is the adult way of running away from home. Everyone knows you are just doing it for attention and everyone knows you will be back.

   me and the mrs and our daughter are having a competition in self control, Weve just unrapped the new t.v. and put the bubble wrap in the corner of the room. Its like the final scene in the good the bad and the ugly, i'm going to break first I think.

   I dont know what came over me! I felt so confident speaking Spanish today! AND TO MY SURPRISE, no f#cking one understood me. Shoking...

   I hate it when I meow at cats and they don't meow back. unbelievably rude."

   Things ain't nobody got time for: That

   I can't wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!

   If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back.....sell all their crap on Craigslist.

   What if they keep the name Redskins, but change the mascot to a potato....