Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see where Timbaland is getting divorced. I guess it really was "Too late to Apologize"

   "Shall I compare thee to a summer's eve? For thou art a douche." -W. Shakespeare, Sonnet #18, First draft

   I lost 50 lbs of ugly fat with photoshop.

   She had me at "I want the D tonight!" But lost me moments later when she said "Dominos pizza that is."

   I sent the wrong texts to the wrong people. Now my wife thinks that I'm going to f*ck her and my girlfriend thinks that I have to work late.

   I wonder if girls walk around and think "Oh ya, he wants the V"

   Two antennas meet on a rooftop, fall in love, get married....The wedding wasn't much but the reception was great!

   Women don't like women that look like women you used to date.

   A lady in the streets and a lady in the sheets and a lady in the basement and a lady in the shed. This crime scene is awful

   I dont understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I'm trusting you with my money, you should at least trust me with your damn pens!"

   My girlfriend caught the bouquet at a wedding and now we hardly have sex.

   You're not the sharpest knife in my back.

   Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

   I love gas stations that sell fireworks, that's like prostitutes that sell rope and shovels

   Her yoga instructor is the only person who can get away with telling my girlfriend to relax.

   Sometimes I'll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.

   “That’s my jam” - Something my neighbour says when she’s in my kitchen.

   Just burnt my mouth on a slice of pizza and now I totally understand what betrayal feels like.

   The hardest part of breaking up is finding somewhere to dump the body.

   Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be