Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Even if I hit the gym hard, the best I could hope for is to be 1950's Tarzan shape.

   Note to future husband: reserve Comerica Park for proposal.

   Kanye West spent nearly $3,000,000 to propose to Kim. Let that sink in for a moment.

   Wait... are Republicans mad at Obama because his website isn't good enough at doing a thing they hate?

   Be strong, I whispered to my wifi signal.

   Since Kanye couln't get Kim a start on Hollywood he put on her hand. Must be nice to be RICH you arragant crap rapper!!

   Finally! A White House official was fired! A Benghazi official? No... IRS? No... Fast and Furious? Over the AP or James Rosen? HHS? No, no, no, and no. Jofi Joseph, fired for having a fake twitter acct.How dare he!

   First 20 mins of my day: I don't wanna get in the shower, I don't wanna get in the shower. Next 20 mins of my day: I don't wanna get out of the shower, I don't wanna get out of the shower...

   Mac & Cheese doesn't contain many vitamins, so it's important you always eat a bunch of it.

   I just heard that my ex-wife has started dating again,,, and here I am with no popcorn.

   In South Africa we have a president named Jacob Zuma, do you know him?

   Michael Jackson has been dead a long time but moonwalking still makes people uncomfortable at children's parties.

   She asked me to kiss her like it was the first time either of us had ever kissed so I headbutted her, bit her lip twice and came in my pants

   Her: Do you think I'm pretty? Me: Honey, I lick you where babies come out...thats how much pretty I think you are.

   Rumors: Well at least you're spreading something else besides your legs.

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.

   Be the change you wish the homeless people didn't know you had

   Whenever someone says "This day couldn't get any worse" I set them on fire & ask "Are you sure?"

   I have never met a US Congressman I didn't find completely honest and extremely intelligent. However I may need to add I have never met a US Congressman.

   I don't simply have problems like people often talk about. I just date or marry them.