Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted I wish I had a puppy

   Alright Monday what kind of bullsh*t you got for me this time.

   if you want to memorialize a veteran, you should kick a politician in their genitals. .

   If my mother knew how many potential grandchildren I swallowed I wonder if she'd be proud or appalled.

   Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.

   My dream girl would lovingly push me in a shopping cart through the liquor aisle.

   Humor and sexual frustration are what keep Facebook a well-oiled machine.

   You would think there would be at least one extraterrestrial in a Miss Universe contest.

   If God wanted me to be a vegetarian He would have made plants taste like meat.

   Fish tanks are supposed to be soothing? My fish have seen me naked! I think my fish need a fish tank in their fish tank.

   Tell her she is beautiful instead of hot. She is a woman, not a temperature.

   there ever a day when mattresses AREN'T on sale?

   Nothing honors our Vetrans more than buying a mattress on sale.

   Facebook and writing (like journaling) are a poor man's therapy.

   I only understand like 19% of life!

   My relationships are like fat girls. They NEVER workout.

   My kisses are wet no matter which lips I use.

   There are people I meet I could write a beautiful novel about, than there are those I could write a murder mystery about and have them die a horrible death. . .

   Taking applications for a booty call and unless I get attached, don't get attached, thank you lol. . .

   Sometimes life is like a profile picture....you have to ''crop'' people out that no longer deserve to be ''in the picture"