Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
I'm just a girl, standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire. 
The only time a man should dance is when another man is shooting at his feet.
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
In Hell, all of your Google searches post directly to your social media accounts.
Nothing is crazy if you're used to doing it.
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
To hell with the over-the-top flowers. Just tell her you are sorry and mean it.
Manager claims OJ Simpson could be Khloe Kardashian's father. And I thought this family couldn't get any more dysfunctional.
I would 100% support legislation to make it mandatory for all public restrooms be equipped with flushable baby wipes. :-)
Music should come in 3 genres: music you fight to, music you f#@k to and music you speed to.
Broke folks should wear leggings, What the hell you need pockets for?
I haven't spent a dime feeding my pet python since I found the "Free Kitten" section on "Craigslist".
When I first got married I would hold my wife's hands and gaze into her eyes when I talked to her. After all these years I still hold her hands and gaze into her eyes but it's mostly for self defense purposes
I just finished coloring Snooki's new book.
Women- God's version of a Rubik's cube.
You're nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.
So the CIA had a secret compound at Gitmo named "Strawberry Fields"? "Poppy Fields" would be a more appropriate name...
I called the Atheist Dial-A-Prayer line. No one answered.
heading to Kinko's. Printing Best Buy 'coupons' good towards one free ipad for everyone in line early.
I blame all this snow on people who think its fun to decorate for Christmas before thanksgiving. ... mother nature just went along with them. ...so they cant b*tch.. 