Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the appropriate reply when your ex calls you and says a bunch of sh*t you didn't really listen to?

   From me you are getting A) gift card, B) nothing, C) disappointment or D) combination of A,B,C.

   It's the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you're hit by a Smart car.

   Sorry I accidentally told your wife about your "secret iphone" at the company Christmas party.

   What do guys names Scott say when they are surpised? "Great Dan"?

   I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company's Board of Directors.

   You make me want to be a better class of psycho.

   What's the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses? Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

   Shout out to all the women who use their brains to get what they want. Put your pu ssy away Miss, its not a currency.

   Women are always calm and relaxed, when they don't know you're watching through their window.

   I was putting the lights up on our 12 foot Christmas tree this afternoon using a 10 foot ladder. Suddenly,I lost my balance, fell off of it and landed flat on my back on the floor. So thankful I was on the bottom step when it all happened.

   I'm a problem solver. Tell me your problems and I'll ignore them. Problem solved for me.

   If Lance Armstrong can't keep his awards he should just take his ball and go home.

   "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" - The story of a homeless guy and his dog shunned by society during the holidays.

   I think The Grinch and Oscar the Grouch were seperated at birth.

   Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…

   Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.

   All of your panties become g-strings if you have a big enough ass.

   When fat people say that they're on a diet it just means they've started using napkins to try and take some grease off their pizzas.

   "Twerking" is in the dictionary but "Fingering" is not. I'm taking this all the way to the Supreme Court.