Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Listening to wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing,still you say..."I Agree".....!

    have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell.

   I broke up with my cross eyed boyfriend he was seeing 2 people at once

   I have heartburn so bad that even the Devil would want out

   You have the most beautiful lies I've ever seen

   my liquor store owner will be so happy in about four days

   My new years resolution is to finishing off in women's hair instead of Kleenex...

   miley cyrus decided to go back to work instead of twerk

   You know you're country if you went mistletoe shooting as a kid.

   Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

   Well it's almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!

   Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything

   The only reason I'd yell at you, is to get me another beer.

   There are 364 days until Christmas and I already have my Christmas lights up and my Wife call's me a Procrastinator.

   The bartender just brought me a glass of water....seriously? I didn't come to a bar to get sober!

   Women only! - 1st rule of Right Club.

   We had a war on drugs, there were more drugs, war on terror and more terrorist, so for 2014 we need to have a war on money and jobs, it can't hurt!

   I will try anything once, but I won't try that. Meatloaf at a salad bar, probably.

   Forgiveness is the best gift you can give, unless pizza is involved, then pizza is the best gift.

   Be sure to always chase your dreams, with as much alcohol as you can buy.