Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you water an apple tree with apple juice, is it forced cannibalism...?

   2 large ships stuck in ice during Antarctic summer. One of them an icebreaker. Al Gore could not be reached for comment.

   I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!

   Horseradish sauce is my favorite condiment named after mustang spooge.

   "It's no surprise that Brittany Spears lip syncs, but her fierce choreography makes up for it," says one Critic about her new Las Vegas show...Hasn't Brittany's dancing ALWAYS made up for what she calls her singing since day one?

   Does anybody know the expiration on whoop-ass? I opened a can last week and I’m not sure if it’s still good.

    "I can't believe it's not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder

   New Year's Eve is my favorite alcoholiday

   It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.

   Please don't cry. You look ugly when you cry - me consoling a crying woman

   If you really wanna drive her crazy, make her guess how you feel.

   Breaking News!!! It is okay to "NOT" get in a debate on a Facebook status if you really have no idea what you are talking about. You can just move on to a cat picture or something you understand and comment on that..

   I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, "S3x! S3x! S3x! Free s3x tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."

   I bet Beyonce's ex-boyfriend cries himself to sleep every night regretting the day he cheated on her.

   The only thing that can spoil my holiday mood right now would be a direct debit order I completely forgot about.

    If you thought your parents were strict, I was toilet trained at gunpoint.

   Between the blue corn tortilla chips, spinach dip, and salsa....I've been crapp*ng out Christmas colors for the past three days.

   Someone's gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves

   just read that drug sniffing dogs get treats when they find drugs. we're just creating more addicts, you guys

   The only way to have an upper hand over a woman is to be better looking than her.