Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girl stop spilling your crazy all over me!

   I used to have an attitude problem. I broke up with her about a year ago.

   Your tongue is the best alarm clock.

   Given all the turmoil in the world, Syria, Iraq, and Afghanistan.................. And on and on. I don't like Miracle Whip. I just want good old Duke's Mayonnaise.

   Colorado has the best Chicken Pot Pie.

   I'm not a stalker; but you should wipe from front to back.

   "A group of West Virginians who can't shower, brush their teeth or feed their babies? A&E, you got your next hit!"

   "Quick! Hold this foreskin! No time to explain!" - Religion

   I've just invented a new word: "plagiarism".

   Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can't dance.

   85% of men don't understand Women & the balance 15% suffer from short-term memory loss!

   Tip of the day: Don't piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.

   There's no crying in Vodka

   Getting drunk on a week night is kinda like bangin' a fat chick; no matter how much you enjoy it now, you'll regret it in the morning.

   I asked her to take me somewhere I have never been before and she took me to church. :(

   Her phone display is brighter than her future.

   I really jacked-up my back today playing golf today, I fell off the ball washing machine

   Drinking is the leading cause of hangovers

   Whoever named rice cakes obviously doesn't know jack$hit about cake!!

   Know when you're drying off after a shower and that last trickle of water runs down your asscrack? Well, welcome to my world...