Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If anyone asks, I'm drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

   McDonalds sponsoring the Olympics is akin to Trojan sponsoring Vatican events.

   I just hope my stalker doesn't tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.

   Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, but now my boss is coming back from Costa Rica a day early.

   I don't wanna brag but I'm getting pretty good at boiling water.

   I'll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That's what this paper says.

   When someone say's.. Living the american dream. I picture... Them with a large pizza, on their lap. While dipping fries into a frosty.

   I was raised Catholic, so yeah I'm familiar with being molested

   When I said your were an angel, I meant Lucifer.

   It's not about the chase, it's about the kill

   You make me want to stop wearing the same jeans 3 days in a row.

   In Kanyes defense, you would be an a$$hole too if you had to hang out with Kanye all the time.

   if she says 'ew' when you ask if you can have sex at least she didn't say no

   Women have no issue with their man having a female friend *as long as she's elderly, obese or severely disabled

   Cheerleaders who scream "Give me a D" have no idea what they are asking for.

   The next time I hear cheerleaders scream out 'give me a D!'

   “Jesus Christ, must I do everything around here?” -God complaining about Jesus being irresponsible.

   why do chickens wake up so early? it’s not like they have a job or go to school. all they do all day is just walk around eating and sh*tting.

   I wonder if Sarah Palin can see the Olympics from her house.

   I wish I was funny