Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet the first guy to get his woman flowers was like, "What's something that'll start out beautiful, but quickly die like my relationship?"

   So now that she's dead, we can start putting booze in her drink. Right?

   It was Judy Garland who went Over the Rainbow you a$$hat!

   If you didn't want me looking in your bedroom then you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.

   I'm still trying to figure out my wife's logic from an argument we had in 2003.

   This year I'm getting my Valentine a new phone case. I know it doesn't sound very romantic, but my Valentine is my phone.

   Some boys will wear dark sunglasses in church, then be blaming God later when they end up being Welders.

   Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.

   No thanks CVS, I don’t need a bag. I’ll just wrap up my purchase in the 12 foot receipt you just gave me.

   If you log into Australian Instagram you can see the bottom half of your sunset photos.

   Why would vodka do this to me? I’ve always been so loyal

   My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.

   Men: if your woman makes you sleep on the couch, use the cushions to build an awesome fort and then hang a “no girls allowed” sign

   If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?

   the fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.

   Every 3-year-old have two speeds: YOU CAN’T MAKE ME and FACE PLANT.

   God did NOT create man! Man CREATED God! #TRUTH

   Jesus is the adult version of Santa Claus. #TRUTH

   My EX GF asked me if we could talk about my internet addiction problem. I told her... "Not right now baby I am downloading P0RN!"

   JESUS OWES ME MONEY... for the drugs he failed to deliver.