Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Going in Build-A-Bear shirtless wasn't creepy until I started holding up unstuffed animals asking the cashier which ones match my eyes

   A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar

   Feed the homless to the hungry and burn the elderly as an alternative fuel source.

   McDonald’s in a Walmart is like serving alcohol at an AA meeting.

   So red or white wine with hamburger helper?

   Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”

   Writers block I can deal

   Oh boy, we're so poor that our best enjoyable memory is someone's farting.

   Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can't mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.

   My last girlfriend wanted more excitement in our relationship so I gave her a couple of opportunities to escape the basement.

   There is a person out there for everyone. Your person just happens to be three cats.

   My kid's new teacher asked me to describe his personality so I just videotaped me crying and taking shots of Vodka.

   When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

   Can someone's face be a pet peeve?

   My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614

   Girls spend 20 minutes eating dinner and 40 figuring out who owes what.

   I could be an Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it."

   It sucks when you wanna throw a brick at someone's face, but you can't, because you don't have a brick.

   Stop being retarded losers leave haha alone, I think hes funny!!

   D*ck Head is Back , Great time to take few days off till someone blocks him again.