Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “911, What’s your emergency?” I… I shot him “Shot who sir?” He said the Beatles suck “Is he alive?” Yes “Try holding a pillow over his face”

   All I'm saying, ladies, is if you're looking for a guy how about collecting snacks instead of cats.

   How many white girls does it take to change a light bulb? I have no clue, but I guarantee they'll post a picture of it on Instagram.

   For a second I thought Bob Costas was winking at me, but it was just my cat's a-hole :(

   Forget Al Qaeda, negative people are the real terrorist.

   You know it’s time to shave when there’s more pubes than face towel after a shower.

   What if you get to heaven and God is like "Nah bra you can't get in. Remember when you saw my picture on Facebook and you kept scrolling?"

   Facebook just pulled an Obama and started accepting gay ads.

   I think it's cute how dermatologists think they're doctors.

   Introduce me to your parents at your own risk.

   just got a citation for illegally parking my pen*s in a friend zone

   Ťhï§ ï§ hőw äň öřğą§m fəəļ§ whëņ pűť ïņťø wőřđ§.

   Every time someone tells me “you have a good handshake.” I reply with “you can thank my pen*s for that.”

   I used to think you were special. Then I got to know you.

   Vodka is like water, but with superpowers.

   I slipped and fell on some black ice this morning.. at least I think it was black ice cause it didn't pay child support for its 7 kids by 6 baby mamas

   Maybe you thought it was black ice because you are stupid?

   I slipped and fell on some black ice this morning.. at least I think it was black ice cause my wallet is missing.

   I bet the most common dying wish is to live longer

   Why is it "romantic" when Aladdin sings A Whole New World while flying on a carpet but "pathetic" when I sing it while laying on a bath mat?