Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp...Is Mark Zuckerberg trying to put together The Infinity Gauntlet of Social Media ?

   Wow! That dude just paid his bill with swag, Said no one ever

   Mark Zuckerburg owns Instagram, Facebook and Whatsapp. All he needs now is Twitter then he owns all of our little secrets.

   19 billions for whatsapp?! I bought it for $0.99 USD ... I guess the buying department has some justification to do

   I just want a man who will hold my hair back while I start fires.

   I'm not a professional pilot, but I can wear a pair of aviator glasses and helicopter my wiener in the front yard for like 3 hours straight! :-D

   Tis' far better to have lobsters on your piano,than crabs on your organ.

   Going in Build-A-Bear shirtless wasn't creepy until I started holding up unstuffed animals asking the cashier which ones match my eyes

   A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar

   Feed the homless to the hungry and burn the elderly as an alternative fuel source.

   McDonald’s in a Walmart is like serving alcohol at an AA meeting.

   So red or white wine with hamburger helper?

   Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”

   Writers block I can deal

   Oh boy, we're so poor that our best enjoyable memory is someone's farting.

   Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can't mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.

   My last girlfriend wanted more excitement in our relationship so I gave her a couple of opportunities to escape the basement.

   There is a person out there for everyone. Your person just happens to be three cats.

   My kid's new teacher asked me to describe his personality so I just videotaped me crying and taking shots of Vodka.

   When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.