Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your boyfriend can't bench press you then you have a girlfriend.

   When I get home the first thing I'm going to do is rip my wife's panties off. Because they're too small and the elastic is killing me.

   "She must be shy" is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.

   If you don't die at the end of your Facebook movie, I'm not interested.

   My left butt cheek fell asleep. I'm half-assing every thing I do at work today.

   Give a man a gun he can rob a bank.Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody

   Whatsapp: Last seen at Facebook

   323 deaths attributed to modern sporting rifles; 195,000 deaths due to medical malpractice.... Well, looks like that makes ObamaCare 603.7% more deadly than an assault rifle.

   Administering medicine to a toddler should be an Olympic event.

   Bring me pizza and beer and me love you long time.

   If I have a son and he ends up having a bigger pen*s then me, does that mean he inherited his pen*s from his mom?

   Girl you should sell hot dogs, because you know how to make a wiener stand.

   Beer vs Women: Beer would never put you in the friend zone (unless you can't afford it, oh wait same with women).

   Hey negative people; The only thing I want negative in my life are pregnancy tests.

   My dentist just spent an hour in my mouth. So I get it girls, I get it.

   Look lady, if you don't want me staring at your ass in public, let's go back to my place.

   Hey fellas what's that called when your wife wakes up horny? Never. It's called never.

   Screw coffee, I want whatever this happy singing bird is on. Times three.

   Wifey just text to say she's landed and is looking forward to a romantic dinner and some lovin' tonight. Wonder where she's going?

   To those who have recently unfriended me on Facebook, Kudos to you for uncovering the fact that our friendshipwas just a ploy to have sex with your sister.