Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to until she got that restraining order.

   I guess you could call her a trophy wife. She’s tattooed with the names of the previous winners.

   My six year old nephew asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.

   Watching the Walking Dead and eating strips of Tri-tip soaked in BBQ sauce is turning out to be a horrible decision.....

   I don’t mind holding my wife’s purse. It’s the only time I get to be close to my balls.

   Apparently, I tip hotel maids by forgetting my iPhone charger every time I check out. Every. Single. Time.

   Officer: Is that cocaine? Me: I dunno, let me smell... (Boom! No evidence!)

   I'm glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn't do the whole dictionary

   Calm down R&B singers nearing the end of your songs

   If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you wagging its tail, you're in love with a dog & it probably just had to sh*t.

   IDEA: pizza that comes in a box made of ice cream cone material so you can eat the box too.

   Warm weather brings all the crackheads out.

   Ladies, it’s easy to change a man. Just nag him constantly. Then you can watch him change from happy to bitter before your eyes.

   My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

   Today is the 25th birthday of the World Wide Web. What the hell did people do 26 years ago??

   My wife says it doesn’t count as sex if I don’t last longer than 30 seconds. So apparently I’m still a virgin in her books.

   i wonder how people describe me when they’re talking about me to someone who’s never met me

   My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”

   The hardest part about making friends is definitely the swimsuit competition.

   2 years ago the creator of redbull died, to this day his eyes are still open.