Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards

   People! Relax! Subway foot longs ARE foot longs. You just have to measure from the balls.

   maybe this whole missing airplane is a Jimmy Kimmel prank taken too far.

   I'm just chilling tonight with my new plane............. Oops, I've said too much.

   We all have a drawer by the sink filled with junk. Can you please check your drawer for a Boeing 777

   heard bieber was supposed to be on the malaysian flight... sigh...

   it wrong to put eggs in chicken salad? It just seems wrong...

   Someday I wish I could have been on the maylasia plane.

   Maybe that missing plane is wherever our lost socks are??

   Paper-cuts are like kisses from Satan

   Justin Bieber needs to start flying on Malaysia Airlines.

   never kill hope in your beloved ones; sometimes it's the only treasure they have.

   Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?

   "Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs' Anonymous meeting.

   I'm not sure where Crimea is, but I assume it's somewhere near Chicago

   Searchers of the missing Malaysian plane have found the Wings, Mr & Mrs Wing say they don't know where the plane is though!

   when I catch a spider in the house, I tie him up and waterboard him. Then I throw him outside so he can tell his friends not to fu<k with me.

   When my phone rings while I am am holding it in my hands, I feel like they can see me ignoring their call.

   I thought VH1 was showing an episode of The Golden Girls, but turns out it was an interview with Steven Tyler, David Bowie & Keith Richards.

   I only drink alcohol because there aren't enough ways to eat it.