Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once I asked myself, "What would Jesus do?". I almost drowned that day.

   The movie “Noah” comes out this weekend. It follows the story of a family trying to survive God's wrath on a giant boat for months. Or as that's more commonly known, a Carnival Cruise.

   Anyone up for making some "debris", throwing it into the Gulf of Mexico after midnight, and saying that we found the missing plane? #AprilFoolsJoke

   Dog catcher called. He said my dog was chasing someone on a bike. Can't be my dog. He doesn't have a bike.

   Can't we just agree that disagreeing is what we agree on?

   I thought I would try out that glow in the dark trunk latch release in my car. So, is anyone available to come by my place and let me out of my trunk?

   Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,... why don't you ever smile in my pictures?

   Tell me about your day honey - Newlyweds

   Jogging, or as I like to call it running from my problems.

   Don't forget to provide love and support to someone that has absolutely no interest in you today.

   When I told you you were good I actually meant for nothing.

   My 3 year old son just told me he was still tired after his 2 hour nap. No DNA test needed here Maury.

   My morning prayer: Coffee, please gimme the strength I need to do stuff and put up with sh*t"

   What does Obamacare and Obama's NCAA bracket have in common? They are both busted.

   My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex. She says it makes her armpits sore for days.

   I'm old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.

   I had a nightmare last night where no dogs would let me pet them. It was awful...

   Miguel Cabrera from the Detroit Tigers signed a 300 million dollar contract... He's worth more than the city of Detroit!

   if someone else is in the picture with you why do some people still call it a "selfie"?....that's a "groupie"

   How about a restaurant where the minute you walk in you lose cell service and your camera app is disabled we'll call it "ENJOY YOUR LIVES"