Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

   The French are horrible at robbing banks. As soon as they get out of the bank with the money, they go straight to police station and surrender.

   I just had to cancel my Christian Mingle account... they found out I was on JDate.

   ATMs should require you to pass a breathalyzer before you can make a withdrawal after midnight

   Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.

   Sorry NCAA, but "The Process Of Paint Drying" is on discovery channel. Maybe next time.

   Ants can lift fifty times their own body weight, but do they lift even one finger around the house? NO!

   Popeye teaches you that spinach makes you stonger while completely skipping over the part about pooing your pants at work.

   Living without regret begins first by killing all the memory cells with something called alcohol.

   Army drone crashes near Pennsylvania elementary school! Probably taking pics of lil kids - NS@ Pedophiles

   When you have a strict German wife and a questionable lifestyle you often have to explain to the guys how you "fell down the stairs" again.

   Procrastination comes to those who wait

   In my defence, he didn't accept the breath mint when I offered it

   My girlfriend and I were having sex so loud we woke up the whole house. My wife was furious.

   Thanks for the sex, but I'm still not going to 'LIKE' your Facebook pic.

   Me: honey, would you be psycho enough to murder my ass? Wife: "wear my thongs one more time and see what happens to you!"

   Let's get naked and stay that way for a day. Or three.

   If you're happy and you know it, leave your wife.

   Never bring a hangover to a wife fight.

   I heard the black box was found. Oprah spread her legs for Dr. Phil.