Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm "it's 8:30 and you want to start a movie this late?" years old.

   "Can I have more of these mouse spears?" "Sir those are toothpicks" "I need 1000 for my army. We march at dawn"

   People in glass houses should probably buy their Windex at Costco.

   According to my calculations,,,, The Rock should beat Edward Scissorhands in a fight

   "Can't go wrong with oolong"... is my favorite tea shirt.

   McDonald’s has given their clown mascot Ronald McDonald a makeover, trading in his jumpsuit for cropped pants and a blazer. While McDonald’s customers are trading in their sweatpants for bigger sweatpants.

   This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

   Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda was ejected last night for having pine tar on his neck, and rubbing it on his hand to get a better grip on the ball — because league rules clearly state that all illegal substances must be put INSIDE your body.

   Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.

   Light beer and turkey bacon probably won't kill you but why take the chance??

   Sorry I fake yawned when you started talking.

   Call me traditional, but marriage should stay between a woman afraid of being alone & a man who finally caves after years of her pressure

   I would give up Facebook for you baby.

   "No, honey, I don't talk about you on Facebook." *enables passcode lock on phone*

   My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.

   Fun thing to do #47 When you see someone on one knee tying their shoe stand in front of them and say "YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES"

   Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together

   Feeling and thinking are directly proportional to each other and inseparable.

   Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus

   Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.