Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   2 cops walk into a bar... I don't know what happened after that. I got the f cuk out of there.

   Loneliness is singing both parts of a duet by yourself.

   Nice try, Olympic skiers. I've been going downhill without skis or poles for years.

   I'm r @cist but not own a basketball team r @cist.

   I was gonna call you... but I'm still sober.

   What's it called when you hate everyone but still want people to like you? I'm that.

   When someone says they are gonna break their foot off in your ass, it means that they hate you but they hate their own foot even more.

   I don't understand why people want a relationship when there's pizza.

   Sorry they had your spirit animal neutered.

   My therapist says the reason I'm not having any sex at all is because I'm married.

   I'm not good at equations but if you throat punch an a$$hole, it equals karma.

   I just want to be the reason you lower your standards.

   An intervention, but for your selfies.

   My resume is just a folded up death threat.

   the irony is a group of blacks picked the white cotton guy out.....for life

   61.My mom found a spot between her boobs this week,,, the doctor eased her worries telling her it was just her belly button.

   ʎןıɯɐɟ & spuǝıɹɟ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ʎɯ ¡¡¡ɐıןɐɹʇsnɐ ɯoɹɟ sbuıʇǝǝɹb

   Sterling got shafted by "BLACK MERICA".

   MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog's pre-puke warning grunts.

   Every time two or more motorcycles ride side by side on the road,,, a bald eagle is gently wrapped in an American flag by The Lord.