Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Can I get that in camouflage?" White guys named Cody.

   I can offer a blank stare and a pat on the back if you're looking for someone to console you.

   Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd

   I can't find it, will you look for me? - Men

   How do you say "I don't care" in every language known to man?

   please take down your engagement photos I'M ALLERGIC

   Any day now I expect to look up from my phone and meet my grandkids.

   There is a man eating fries with a fork and airport security is doing nothing about it.

   Coaster? You're assuming I plan to put my drink down...

   Even if a b1tch ain't one, 99 problems is still a lot.

   How touching and appropriate for the LA Clippers to invite the Ole Miss to their game last night to lead the crowd in a stirring rendition of "Dixie"...

   Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms... 2. Describing tumors... 3. Playing golf

   If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don't post.

   People complaining in the express line about the lady writing a check will be uber ticked when I try to barter a sheep for this 6-pack of Pepsi

   Try to slide down a waterslide while its dry, thats why foreplay is important

   I'm "had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn't pick up and start dialing" years old.

   Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking

   John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt has got to be one of my top 5 favorite songs about identity theft

   Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is “limo window partition” between the front and back seat not an option yet?

   We now live in a country where we are spied on without warrants, told what you can eat and drink, forced to buy something you may not want, and can be fined for what you say. Welcome to Amerika 2014. Our Founding Fathers are spinning in their graves.