Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the 60's Batman and Robin were the brave pioneers of tight spandex pants ... blazing the brave trail for what would become the new and trendy fashion adopted by today's people of WalMart. Thanx Batman and Robin

   I beat 2048 today. Just goes to show that a little procrastination can still get you where you need to be.

   I wanna thank my mom for being there for me when I needed money for drugs & beer.. you're the best!!

   20 years ago nobody knew what gluten was, now there are only 3 people left in the world that can still eat a bagel.

   Boobs are nature's antidepressants.

   I just bought a medical alert bracelet. It says "Probably just sh*tfaced"

   This police sketch artist has no idea that he's about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.

   Let us all heed Vanilla Ice's advice on a day like this......"Word to your mother"

   Of all days, who deletes someone on Mother's Day....just for that, I'm never talking to my mom again.

   A Rape Whistle.....But for unwanted conversation.

   *removes underwear *pees *gets back on scale

   It's like my nana always used to say: If you really hate him that much, just marry him and then get fat.

   Wishing all Mother’s, secretaries, nurses, teachers and any other gender/profession dominated by women a special day and/or week!

   No I feel fine. I just don't feel like coming in today.

   I am taken best with a shot of whiskey.

   I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.

   Show me on your selfie where he hurt you.

   Life sucks, But sometimes you get to have sex, And sometimes you get to drink beer.

   Gay and ugly, its not a good combination. And you want to compete with women for men?

   Love can be such a beautiful torture...