Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs

   They told me I can't sit in the parking lot anymore and post that I'm working out. So I guess I'll go in and give it a try...

   that a 1TB flash drive in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

   No, for the last time, I do not want to build a snowman.

   I went and mailed some packages today and now I have Post Office Traumatic Stress Disorder.

   Community cancelled. Well it shouldn't take five plus years to get a two year degree anyways. Smart move NBC!

   Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious 'hold my drink' moments for 50 years...

   Anyone know how much bullsh#t an adult Depends will hold? Going to a political debate later and want to be prepared.......

   I wonder how many people's phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"

   I'm sorry, all I hear is your perfume

   If by exercise you mean grabbing my phone out of my pocket every two minutes then yes I exercise a lot.

   I don't know, Man, I'm just saying Spider-Man would seem a little bit more realistic if he hiked one leg up and shot web out of his ass.

   I plan on drinking all my morals away.

   I just replaced the deodorant in the office's bathroom with an air horn. And now I wait.

   I just got my foot stuck in my wife's bra. I asked her what kind of boobie trap is this? She laughed and I laughed and she asked me never tell another joke for at least a week...

   Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke...

   Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn't going according to plan...

   That sounds fried. I'll take it.

   Things haven't changed since the the Garden Of Eden. Women are still offering men a bite of the forbidden fruit, and when they oblige, all hell breaks loose, the only difference is that now, the man is the bad guy.

   After a while, you begin to suspect there’s no right person for you, just different flavors of wrong.