Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No I feel fine. I just don't feel like coming in today.

   I am taken best with a shot of whiskey.

   I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.

   Show me on your selfie where he hurt you.

   Life sucks, But sometimes you get to have sex, And sometimes you get to drink beer.

   Gay and ugly, its not a good combination. And you want to compete with women for men?

   Love can be such a beautiful torture...

   Everytime you tweet something with a typo in it, someone gots a degree from the University of Phoenix

   Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

   Just found a message in a bottle..... It read,, "Whatever you do, just don't tell Sting where I am."

   "And that's why we can't have nice things." *me looking at my pay check

   I feel like I forgot something when I left the house today.... Pants. It was definitely pants.

   Get out of my glass, and get into my mouth - talking to vodka.

   "As seen on tv": Get two pieces of crap that don't work for the price of one.

   Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!

   I talk to my car, just in case it's a transformer.

   He died by boldly going where no man has gone before by telling her that her shoes were ugly. R.I.P.

   I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah's Fitness.

   I'd totally marry you, but Walmart doesn't have a ring in your size.

   Well done, you are popular on Social Media. Sorry about the rest of your life.