Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No LinkedIn, I do not want to display my Twitter on my profile. I would actually like to keep my chances of getting a job above zero.

   If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

   Dear P0rnhub, A category called "oh, you have kids?" with videos no longer than 3 minutes. Thanks, Parents

   I'm going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.

   My seduction technique is to make things awkward and then not talk to you for a while

   My attractive feature is that sometimes I go away.

   Facebook taught me to mind everyone else's business.

   When you think your life couldn't be any more pathetic, remember some people have more than 1 Facebook account.

   Dating tip: gently but quickly place her in the trunk before she asks any questions like, who are you?

   Jay-Z Officially has 100 Problems

   If You Like Piña Colada's, and getting songs stuck in your head...

   Good moaning to you all!! (that is not a typo)

   I have a date tomorrow night so I need to think about baby names.

   I put the pro in inappropriate.

   I was once a child prodigy, now i'm an adult tragedy.

   You're as confusing as Daniel Tosh's sexuality.

   Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.

   Anyone know what position Michael Sam will be playing for the Rams? Tight End or Wide Reciever ??

   I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.

   it's a little ironic when a gay guy gets drafted to the Rams....im sure he does a lot of ramming