Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   During the week your FB wall rivals p0rn sites but on sunday it's suddenly transformed into a religious shrine.

   Not only am I saying I am out of your league, but we don't even play the same sport.

   Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.

   When you are dead, you don't know you are dead but other people do. It's the same when you are stupid.

   Him: I'd like to get into your pants. Her: No thanks, one a$$hole in here is enough.

   "If it wasn't for my faults, I haven't had wisdom today." But, it shouldn’t give you an opportunity to commit more.

   "If it wasn't for my faults, I haven't had wisdom today." But unfortunately you're still idiot.

   So if TEBOWING is dropping to 1 knee, then I assume dropping to 2 knees would be considered SAMMING?

   Another Saturday night alone. I plan on jerking off into a sock then crying myself to sleep...

   I am sorry for what I said when I was....... Drunk, naked and horny while laying on your front lawn.

   I would probably enjoy rough sex a lot more if I wasn't always alone.

   I have the patience of a recently escaped serial killer.

   At some point that loving relationship you cherish is going to develop into a battle of sighs & eye rolls.

   This liquor store needs a dollar menu.

   I'm sorry I asked who your cute friend was on our date but that should teach you not to bring your friends along on our dates.

   i will destroy you in the most beautiful way

   Sorry I had a glass of wine and ruined our relationship.

   Show your partner you care by pretending they are the only person you sext.

   I'm no expert but I think your Facebook status updates can be used for your insanity defense.

   I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.