Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.

   When I'm a billionaire, I will use cats instead of toilet paper.

   I don't care for how many years human beings have been following a certain routine, custom or culture, if it doesn't make sense to me imma still gonna question it.

   So who was this Maya Angelou? Was she the one that wouldn't give up her seat on the bus?

   I ordered a pizza for dinner. The pizza guy says "Do you want it cut into 6 slices or 8 slices?" I said "Better make it 6. I don't think I can eat 8."

   The reason women always get cold is because they can't keep their mouths shut long enough to store up any heat.

   How to avoid getting the short end of the stick? Just stop sharing sticks! There are enough sticks out there that you can have your own.

   Most of my workday is me thinking what my couch is doing right now

   I knew a guy that was a dyslexic agnostic insomniac, He'd lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

   Smartphones are pacifiers for adults. Like give him a smartphone maybe he will shut the hell up.

   Coffee so black it has it's own entertainment network.

   If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn't for you.

   Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can start a fishing school. Make lots of money. Then feed your family steak.

   I'm starting to wish I were a werewolf so I'd have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.

   I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane's dog & she was like, "I've never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"

   Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you needed.

   Well, it's 12:30pm and I have seven dollar bills to my name. I guess it's that age old question: Lunch? Or Lotto scratchers.

   You may say I'm addicted to Facebook but I prefer to call it my second childhood...

   I can't wait until all these 100 days of happiness people get to day 69. Maybe then my news feed will finally be interesting

   My neighbor is crazy. After playing some Justin Bieber at high volume at 7 o'clock this morning, he commited suicide by shooting himself 8 times in the back with my gun.