Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently it's frowned upon to moan when getting a pedicure. Related: Sorry, Ming, it was awkward for me too. But damn, you rub me good!

   I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it

   I love my UPS guy. He's a drug dealer and doesn't even know it.

   The way to a man's heart is through the kitchen.

   I hate it when a woman asks, "Guess what today is?"

   Now that presidential spokesman Jay Carney is no longer a government employee, I am expecting him to rush right out and sign up for ObamaCare.

   If by eating pizza, tacos and waffles in a single sitting then yes I've had a threesome before.

   You new folks. All the funny sh*t's already been taken. There's a sale on the Inspirational Quotes floor. No one seems to want that sh*t.

   I’ll keep texting you after you “yup” me. IDGAF.

   If my car gets stolen, can my wife be in it? Asking for a break.

   After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.

   I judge you by your coffee. Skinny soy latte with hazelhut. Wears stockings under his pants.

   Getting ignored by even the old ugly women at work- your life sucks.

   Why do I stare at your b00bs? Have you seen your face?

   Married women who fight over their male colleagues with all other young women! well done! Your life sucks!

   Relationship Status: eating raw cookie dough.

   Ugly old married women who fight over their male colleagues with all other young women! well done! Your life sucks!

   Ugly old women who fight over their male colleagues with all other young women! well done! Your life sucks!

   I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.

   Have you seen the infomercial for the hair removal thingy called, "NO-NO"? No wonder there haven't been any recent Bigfoot sightings!!!