Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet Shaquille O'neil hates to sign anything, "Love,Shaq".....because the B52s pretty much ruined that for him...

   If I ever die I want to be buried in my refrigerator in case I wake up and want pudding.

   Apparently sticking gum in a girl's hair no longer counts as flirting.

   My biggest fear is that some day my wife will find all the ice cubes I've kicked under the fridge.

   Aliens watching our media must assume we are being implored to show allegiance to our ruler, a mysterious entity named "Geico."

   Told my son, If you hit a game-ending home run it just seems polite to go ahead and pick up the bases as you go around.

   I once dated an amputee,,,, She single-handedly changed my life.

   You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of chicken.

   Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 4 things wrong at once

   Just layed on my horn for 39 seconds at the slow driver in front of me before realizing he was the last car of a funeral procession.

   Canadians aren't as polite as everyone thinks. In fact they're pretty gangster. Today, for instance, I witnessed a drive-by apology.

   Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?

   If you don't mind I use duct tape. I'm giving free bikini waxes.

   Nothing says, "creative genius" like posting, "Good Morning!" with a cup of coffee with a smiley in the foam.

   Taking a nice big healthy crap: Best weight-loss plan ever.

   If you're a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, they legally don't have to sell you anything.

   'You have me now', I whisper as I delete all the contacts from your phone.

   Relationship Status: I ate 7 bananas trying to get the new guy at work to notice me.

   Me: Am I unattractive? Husband: No. You're annoying, but definitely not unattractive. That'll work.

   You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.