Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some mermaids never marry, they just end up with like 200 catfish.

   Luke Skywalker never found a girlfriend because he was looking for love in Alderaan places.

   Email your congressman and demand recognition for Precedents Day! So what if we never had one before.

   Just got more spam from AmishGuy -- I am starting to wonder if it's legit.

   I've had no trouble feeding my boa constrictor since I found those free kittens on Craiglist.

   Sex so good...she even made the neighbor a sandwich.

   Listen science. I see all your progress with erectile dysfunction and all. And that's great. But yo. Wireless phone chargers. For realsies.

   Here's a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don't be me.

   Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I'll take lookout.

   "Fill 'er up, please", I say as I pull my van up to the cat shelter.

   She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we're taking it slow now.

   Make the best out of a bad situation by ignoring it.

   20 years ago today the famous OJ Simpson white Bronco chase. As you know he would later be found not guilty in a Calafornia court of murder...Ironically.... He wakes up this morning in JAIL !!! Gotta love Karma!!!

   When did old skanks become cougars?

   If you don't like Star Wars puns, you R2 boring for me.

   I wonder if actors line their walls with autographed pictures of restaurant owners and dry cleaners.

   Girl, this is gonna be an amazing night *bookcase rotates to reveal wall of wrestling DVDs* Ok, so which WrestleManias have you not seen

   When fat people spoon, is it called ladling?

   Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?

   I may have found my coffee limit. I'm sitting on my hands to stop them from shaking. Related- I no longer need batteries.