Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yeah... I may be old... But I'm still hot..... They just come in flashes now!

   Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight... Hoping to get a PS4 in return.

   I think I might have a natural immunity to Ebola. I get feverish, diarrhea and vomiting symptoms most Sunday mornings....

   Some days you just can't get home to your liquor fast enough

   Is it just me...., or does "Ebola" sound kind of like "Obama?"

   A woman's "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" is the same length of time as a man's "I'll be home in 5 minutes."

   My internet goes out more than I do

   The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can't have ice cream for breakfast. . .

   My left buttcheek fell asleep. I'm Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.....

   I am surprised no one has consulted Michael Jackson's doctor for advice on what drugs to use to for quick, painless executions.

   thinking of opening my own business... half sporting goods store and half hardware store. I could call it "Sport n' Wood".

   Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

   Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.

   if noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?

   Why is it that women don't know what they want but then get mad when they don't get it?

   Breaking news: Israel has found yet another tunnel from Gaza... but when they attempted to go inside, they discovered that the NY port authority had already set up a tollbooth there and demanded $15 to cross...

   Someone hacked my online bank account and now I have to change my dog's name.

   I'm in a weird place mentally. And physically. And geographically

   today I screwed in a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked in to a bar ...my life is a joke

   I would be totally into cosplay if it meant dressing up and pretending to be bill cosby.