Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was wondering if I go on a Banana diet, will I end up throwing my feces like a gorilla does. . .

   Long story short I can't get these pet rocks to mate and now I'm under major pressure from my investors.

   I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn't like it.

   Wife swapping?..... Count me in... Here she is, you're in the middle of a divorce.

   "If anyone here knows why these two should not be married speak now or-"......*Admiral Akbar rises*...... "IT'S A TRAP!!!..."

   Tomorrow is "Drag your ex behind your car to work day".

   Pro Tip: If you're on the bus,, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.

   sometimes I wonder if I'm being selfish using my voice to just sing in the car instead of saving the music industry

   I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.

   I hate it when people make words come out of their mouths

   There may be a bunch of Princesses that follow me... But only one I'd fight dragons for.

   wanna have some fun? get in the van!

   I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.

   I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!

   How much for the eternal loyalty & unconditional love? Ma'am that's a puppy

   I am sorry I had to UNLIKE all your pics after my girlfriend read me the riot act.

   You know you're getting old when everything either dries up or leaks

   Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.

   “you look tired” is the politically correct way of saying “you look like crap”

   Do you think, Ajay Bhatt, inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?