Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It should be mandatory that every citizen 21 and older carry a firearm.

   Biden: “Your hair smells good.” Chewbacca: wtf???

   Yeah, you’re made of star stuff, but so is garbage, so calm down.

   I sprinkle profanity in every sentence like its parsley.

   When you show up at the orgy and it’s actually an intervention.

   When the cross-eyed mechanic says, “no worries sir, I did the alignment myself.”

   You don’t have to drop to your knees every time you eat a hotdog.

   If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

   Kyle Rittebhouse: "I'm going to Texas A & M" Texas A & M: "No, you're not!" lol

   What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who's relaxing I could just kick back with and take a load off with when I'm feeling a little weary, Someone who comforting and oh wait, I think I'm describing my lazy boy recliner.

   Either Chewbacca is in the next stall or someone needs to start adding green leafy vegetables to their diet.

   What do you call a mentally disabled person in a fancy suit?-Mr.President.

   What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program? ANSWER: It took 95% of the Obummer bumper stickers off the road

   I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening tools, Its called beeches and hoes..

   DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.

   A Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.

   Do to budget cuts at Al Qaeda, They will be Reducing afterlife payment to 71 virgins...

   Sometimes I like to stick a band aid on the middle of my forehead and when somebody asks what happened I tell them I got shot.

   My dong was in the Guinness Book of work Records. But then the librarian asked me to take it out.

   For the immediate future I think we should show Coffee some respect and stop calling it a "Cup of Joe."