Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Ok Jack Frost! You need to quit playing freeze tag with Elsa and Subzero from Mortal Kombat. Because you all keep missing each other, and it is starting to affect the rest of us.
←Rate | 01-30-2023 10:53 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's so cold out that you can milk a cow and get instant ice cream.
←Rate | 01-29-2023 13:08 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cleaning
←Rate | 01-29-2023 09:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
←Rate | 01-29-2023 05:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
←Rate | 01-29-2023 05:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon game over
←Rate | 01-27-2023 20:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon ask why
←Rate | 01-27-2023 00:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon ever ask why
←Rate | 01-27-2023 00:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife got in the shower with me this morning. She said “Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me. So I put shampoo in her eyes.
←Rate | 01-26-2023 04:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Question, Can Happiness buy money?
←Rate | 01-26-2023 04:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'll be baby sitting this Valentine's Day $150 per kid. (inbox me)
←Rate | 01-26-2023 03:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
←Rate | 01-26-2023 03:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
←Rate | 01-26-2023 03:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
←Rate | 01-26-2023 03:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I ran a swamp tour in DC there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
←Rate | 01-26-2023 03:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
←Rate | 01-26-2023 03:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
←Rate | 01-26-2023 03:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
←Rate | 01-26-2023 03:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was a kid, bedtime was 9:00. I couldn't wait to grow up so I could go to bed any time I wanted. That turned out to be about 9:00.
←Rate | 01-25-2023 11:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not my proudest fap, but here we are. 😏
←Rate | 01-24-2023 00:22 Comments (0)  




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