Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not to brag or anything, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore, steal covers or pass gas.. and I only pee if something startles me.

   So sick of all the time travel jokes next week.

   I have the answers to the ethics test if anyone needs them

   Wife girlfriend

   OK, but in my defense, when my wife told me to "drop a load in the washing machine" her wording was a little ambiguous.

   Boop Bop Beeda Beep Boop Lop Bee eezz ... YOU'VE GOT MAIL !! 📭😁

   I figured it out. Instagram is for people who read books but only look at the pictures.

   I’m really glad we don’t have to hunt our own food anymore…. I don’t even know where sandwiches live.

   They should switch the premise of The Amazing Race and make it about Caucasians.

   What I've learned from many years of driving: People who drive faster than me are obnoxious and people who drive slower than me are stupid.

   I’d like to be the first to wish you all a very merry Christmas

   If sports were board games, The NHL would be Chess, the NBA would be Checkers, MLB would be Trivial Pursuit and the NHL would be Candyland.

   Inuendo - what else, but an Italian name for Preparation H.

   An optimistic thinks that this is the best World to live in. A pessimistic knows that this is true. (29)

   I think people who get really offended by things they read on the Internet are probably the same people that take minigolf really seriously

   A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: - Jane ate her friend's sandwich. - Jane ate her friend's colon.

   it too much to ask that they let me know I typed my password incorrectly BEFORE I click on all the pictures that have sidewalks?

   Gonorrhea would have been a great name for an anti-diarrhea medicine.

   When the China balloon was flying across the country, the Government should have used planes and jets to send it to the Seattle space needle

   A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.