Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Would the last Baby Boomer to enter heaven please bring a copy of Abbey Road?

   This is a special status. Only people who are sex deprived can read this status.

   I'm holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.

   Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.

   It's always best to fart when there's a baby on the bus. They ALWAYS get the blame.

   I hate using Drano. You're literally pouring $4.00 dollars down the drain.

   When will my neighbor's dog ever get the hint that my leg just wants to be friends?

   I'll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.

   In the life, there is no Ctrl+Z

   It isn't that I'm not a people person, I'm just not a stupid people person.

   The only bad thing about my seven figure salary is that it includes a decimal point.

   We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

   To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

   Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

   Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

   We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

   I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

   As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

   If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

   Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.