Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like Women.

   wants to get on the wagon, but the 15 vodkas are making it mildly difficult!

   has two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

   that anyone caught taking a photo of themselves in a mirror, shall be slapped...

   Stuck on Band-Aid brand cause Band-Aid Stuck on me.

   Once had an awkward moment just to see how it felt

   ǝǝɹʇ ɐ ɯoɹɟ ƃuıƃuɐɥ sı

   How to annoy people: Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy".

   murdering your spouse within the first year of marriage can really put a strain on the relationship.

   I don't wanna move in for a month. I just wanna buy you a beer.

   I got along fine before I knew you. I'll get along find after.

   's girlfriend asked him to lay under the coffee table with the glass top. Wonder what she's gonna do??

   came from a real tough neighborhood. I once put my hand in some freshly layed cement and felt another hand.

   starting to think Brett Favre switched places with mother nature, the weather seems very indecisive lately........

   If woman are not suppose to cook then why did god naturally put milk and eggs in your body?

   The other day Pope Benedict named five new saints to the Catholic Church. Some, however, are questioning whether Obama deserved it.

   typIng 1IkE thI5 w0U1d drIvE mE f*ckIng crAzy!

   wondering just how exactly do you meet the girls from the single-ladies commercials?! theyre hot!

   don't let the mornings get you down, sleep till noon!

   on my way to Oz on the yellow brick road but overshot it by 150 miles- I was having an argument with myself, I was not asleep, got here OK, hanging with Glenda.