Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife and I were happy for 23 years. Then, we met.

   Where are the water cannon trucks? Give them turds a flush.

   Due to lack of punch buggies on the road nowadays, the new game is Tesla Sass Slap.

   BREAKING: The Edmonton Oilers just pulled an Ed the Zebra—broke loose, dodged the Florida Panthers, and soared into OT glory like they were being airlifted out of Florida.

   Ed the zebra galloped across Tennessee. The Oilers galloped across Florida’s defense. Both ended up airborne—one in a helicopter, the other in OT euphoria.

   BREAKING: Ed the Zebra spotted in Sunrise, FL. Witnesses say he distracted the Panthers long enough for the Oilers to sneak in an OT winner. Sources confirm he’s now demanding a Stanley Cup ring.

   Hello, Delta? Yes I'd like to reserve seat 11A. That's correct, 11A. What? You already have 242 passengers booked in 11A?

   I don't understand the Indian people. They win spelling bees, but can't keep a plane in the air.

   Did you hear the latest ICE joke? It's a riot!!!

   Happy Father's Day to all the wonderful dads out there who are killing it. This one's for you!!!

   I just found out I have 100% body fat. That means I'm basically a can of Crisco. 😛

   Tribute Bands: Making money off the hard work of the stars they attempt to emulate because they don't have a single, original thought in their empty skulls.

   Jooz always starting something.

   Never let your mouth be Broadband when your brain's on Dial Up.

   What's up with refried beans? Once should be enough.

   How do members of Isis practice safe sex? A. They mark the camels that kick.

   no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.

   As an adult, I use nunchucks way less than I expected.

   Quick Question: Does swimming in debt count as cardio?

   Hamas is not what it used to be. You can see they don't have the money anymore. Instead of 70 virgins, martyrs now get a gift certificate to Olive Garden.