Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Of all the things my phone can do, its ability to make me look busy while in an elevator with people who think I want to talk to them is my favoritte.

   $950 for an iPhone 6 off contract’)... Airplane mode better take me on vacation

   Palin Family Asked to Leave Party After Brawl Breaks Out - hillbilly's gone wild - America dodged a bullet

   Ladies, if you ever get a big ego because a lot of guys want to get with you, just remember this, some guys have been known to get it on with farm animals.

   I don't want to brag but I was the best Nintendo game blower in history.

   Just ate 2 bagles and used only half the cream cheese. Diets are hard people!! Really hard.

   Solar flares...Thanks Obamacare

   You said you didn't want to text your ex, Tequila determined that was a lie

   "Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally"

   If horror movies have taught us anything its that white folks like to check out strange noises first at all times before assuming its means them harm. So Oscar's story does not add up at all.

   Why does Play-Doh say "fun to play with, not to eat" then make 1000 accessories that all make it shaped like food?

   Sarah Palin: 'I Owe America A Global Apology'. - No Palin, you owe the world an apology for continuing to talk and show your dumbass face.

   Kellogg's is considering taking "Rice" Krispies off the market....realizing the snap,crackle,POP ! has gone way too far ...

   I was sober for 15 straight years but on my 16th birthday I decided that I've had enough.

   "Yes your child is cute, but can he take a 'Whoopin'?" -Adrian Peterson

   My safe word is "Make sure we don't go over the hour. That's all the cash I got on me."

   I kept it gangsta...but, it was like 19% gangsta.

   You know you're watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear "May the Force be with you," you hear, "And also with you."

   If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.

   Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, and where did he get the idea?