Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some might argue that having spider webs in your kitchen sink is a sign you need to cook more... I, however, see it as a sign that life is pretty damn good! (Let's go with that)

   How much for the coping mechanism? Ma'am that's alcohol..

   I think I'll open a Chinese restaraunt and call it "Wok Your Dog."

   Welcome to The Antisocial Club Now besides me, who else doesn't want to be here?

   With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I'm sure heads will roll.

   Tried to kill a mockingbird but it mocked me and almost killed me instead...

   It is just a fact that some people are not comedians no matter how hard they try

   Vet who had sex with dogs and horses loses license, becomes just regular guy who had sex with dogs and horses.

   I would be totally into cosplay if it meant dressing up and pretending to be bill cosby.

   today I screwed in a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked in to a bar ...my life is a joke

   I'm in a weird place mentally. And physically. And geographically

   Someone hacked my online bank account and now I have to change my dog's name.

   Breaking news: Israel has found yet another tunnel from Gaza... but when they attempted to go inside, they discovered that the NY port authority had already set up a tollbooth there and demanded $15 to cross...

   Why is it that women don't know what they want but then get mad when they don't get it?

   if noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?

   Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.

   Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

   thinking of opening my own business... half sporting goods store and half hardware store. I could call it "Sport n' Wood".

   I am surprised no one has consulted Michael Jackson's doctor for advice on what drugs to use to for quick, painless executions.

   My left buttcheek fell asleep. I'm Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.....