Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are the hookers giving you the policeman's discount?

   -= REDs got to host an Olympic game, then all of a sudden they're the USSR again.... Let's pray Germany doesn't host the next one. =-

   Just Heard Donald Sterling is planning on buying the Boston Bruins once he sells the Clippers!

   Music is no longer an art. It has become a commodity. As far as entertainment goes these days, there's very little difference between listening to music and buying wheat.

   wonders why we can't just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?

   Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

   Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?

   If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?

   There are some souls you meet and you know right away you'll love them forever and laugh together in heaven or fry together in hell.

   How I hate people who initiate a conversation and don’t continue with it.

   Sometimes when I see an airplane passing over I just wish I were on it and didn't care where it was going.

   Rodney King said, "Can we all get along? The answer is no because too many people make a very good living making sure we don't....right, Reverend Al?

   Sex so good, you call off the restraining order.

   My drivers license is just a piece of paper that says I'm not Asian

   Please spare a thought for the man who told his wife he was going on a business trip to China on that Malaysian Airlines Flight No MH. 370, and now can't come out of his girlfriend's apartment. (Ever)

   I must not be real stupid, television has not made me famous yet!

   I don't have a horse running in the Derby but my money is on Sarah Jessica Parker.

   For the first time in NBA finals history, there was 3 game 7s. Even more fascinating is that Donald Sterling cant attend any of them!

   If the Lord is always with me, that dude's sat through a lot of jacking off.

   Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports