Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other coworkers" and I circled "absolutely false"?

   Everybody is somebody else's weirdo

   had lent 5000$ to his friend for plastic surgery.....now its hard to recognize him.

   When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

   I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

   Just realised something; all my role models, idols and people I look upto were all on drugs!! :p

   If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

   filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in the court of law.

   Pet Peeve #11: Bathroom Pictures. There's no other mirror in your place? Enough already!

   Walmart sucks. (The money out of my wallet.)

   could it be? Is that water you are walking on? Oh wait, that is just your sh!t hole, sorry about that... thought you were someone who could judge others..

   if a fly didn't have wings, would it be called "walk" ?

   I hate it when my party can't start because Ke$ha wont walk in...

   being a die hard 80's fan I really hate what is going on with Brett Michaels. Doctors can't seem to find out what is going on in his head. They might want to check his other head. After Rock of Love all the answers could lie there.. Just sayin

   if we have walkie talkies then why are vacumes not call pushy suckies

   I'm going to Prehab... On the off chance that I get addictions.

   Whats the only animal with an a$$hole on the middle of its back? A police horse.

   Ladies, if your Facebook status is "It's Complicated" it's really not. It's simple, you have a sh^itty boyfriend, and you're co-dependent.

   Being real is like being a lady... if you have to tell people you are... you aren't.

   Stop everything you're doing. Think about me. You're welcome.