Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   By the time you can afford a high definition television you no longer have the high definition eyesight necessary to enjoy it.

   My integrity is not for sale and won't be until it can fetch a better price.

   Now that I've stopped drinking I don't have much to look forward to but I have a lot more to look back on.

   When God closes one door he opens another. I just hope it's not a trap door.

   He always has the same expression on his face; “only a mother could love.”

   They say humans evolved from apes but there are some people who make you reconsider.

   Clothes are half of what makes a man who he is. Take your favorite super hero, put him in drag, is he still your favorite?

   It's always exciting when the Netflix arrive. I open up the envelope, take them out and say, “Awesome, movies I wanted to watch when I was drunk and lonely three days ago.”

   Ladies, you need to quit tanning so much! No guy wants to date a woman who can strike a match on her face to smoke a cigarette after sex...

   Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house.

   On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.

   A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.

   I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

   If a womans pregnant and uses a vibrator, does the kid come out with a stutter?

   wishes I were more outdoorsy. Unfortunately, there are bugs outside.

   Stop everything you're doing... Think about me... You're welcome...

   Reminder: Buy low and sell high... Unless it's Pot... Then you're buying and selling high...

   Work like you don't have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at

   used the search term "the perfect job for me" on google and it laughed at me...

   told the boss today that there was no W-F-A-Y I could do the job the way he wanted me to. He said, "But there's no 'F-in-way!!" I said, "Exactly!"