Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The meteorologist on the news gives the forecast then says, "People don't know the difference between weather and climate." Yes I do: "Oh look, a ladder I don't know weather I should walk under it or climate." See? Told you.

   Everything is pointing to a major worldwide economic collapse in 2013 which will cause a rise in prices, unemployment and homelessness. As a result, there will come a sharp increase gunfire, looting, burning, rape, and murder. Happy New Year!

   Peope say to me, "hey bro why no tattoos?" I say, "would you put bumper stickers on a Ferrari?"

   call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!

   Every time I see a continuous smile on a person's face, I get paranoid that they might be insecure with no money or nice partner.

   My car has a luxurious heated steering wheel (in the months of June-August)

   the only friends I have ignore me and act like they are my boyfriend. weird

   Peope say to me "hey bro why no tattoos?" I say, "hey bro, why no job?"

   What do you get when you alternate eating cheese and granola? Natures very own 'thunder beads'! BOOM! ツ

   every year it is a race to see who drops first me or the new years ball

   I like my girls like I like my cheese. F@t free American singles.

   i like my women like I like my peanut butter.. super chunk

   I like my women like I like my alcohol. Gone in the morning...

   To all the Jehovas Witnesses: Happy 12:30am on a tuesday!!!

   Entering 2013 the same way I entered this world! Naked crying, and alone. (Adoption Joke gone way wrong)

   Well happy new year to you all mine friends wish you all the best for 2013..

   please no more gangnam style dance... keep the gangnam style back in 2012

   I have not taken a shower since last year

   Ok, just saw Jenny the Crypt Keeper dry hump a Bieber cardboard cutout. Seacrest should have gone down there and ash bombed her.

   I remember 2012 like it was yesterday